Saturday

Pinoy food trip in Paris

 We spent a quick undas weekend in the city of lights eating "traditional Pinoy" food. 


First stop is Chez Fernand, highly regarded for their "ulam" and others:


Clockwise: kohol (escargot), bulalo (os a moelle), chicken inasal (poulet roti), and their trademark kalderetang baka (boeuf bourguignon).


Server assembling our boeuf bourguignon. Chez Fernand is frequented even by locals, but has a touristy outlook. The servers speak English and they engage with the customers, American style, asking if everything is ok. Servers in normal French bistros will leave you alone for hours, but not here. The food was great, and she even did a chef kiss for the boeuf bourguignon. I asked if it was the best in Paris, and she replied "in the world!"




Next stop is legendary Bouillon Chartier, serving Pinoy favorites since 1896. Bouillons started out serving cheap soup meals for blue-collar workers, but eventually morphed into bistros serving standard dishes at a more affordable price point (one-third the price of Chez Fernand). Belle Epoque decor, waiters in traditional uniforms, and they write your orders on the paper table cover. Very quaint. 


What we ate, clockwise: itik (confit de canard, tender and not gamey), crispy pata (pied de porc, melts in the mouth), leche flan (creme caramel, tastes exactly the same), and bistek (bifteck, yes almost the same spelling).



We found a little gem in Paris, macarons with Pinoy flavors like kalamansi, ube, pandan, Sagada coffee, chocolate, and luya. Gem Guina put up Gem la Patisserie, serving some of the best macarons in Paris, because she makes them fresh onsite, unlike factory-made Laduree and Pierre Herme, and has that chewy bite we prefer. 



We ate it at the nearby Starbucks, probably the most beautiful branch we've seen.











Beauty for sale

Sunday

Bawal Omehi D2

I'm sure you have your favorite permutation of the spelling of "umihi" painted on some wall around the city. Umihe, umehi, omihe, omihi, etc, the list goes on. This is often followed by the threat of a fine (P150 is the highest I've seen it go), and occasionally by - this really makes my day- the authoritative "By Management."

Is it the Pinoy's penchant for pissing in the most convenient places? This reminds me of this joke: The Russian ambassador was traveling with the Philippine president around Manila when they saw a Pinoy pissing against the wall in Intramuros. The Russian goes "Oh, that's not going to happen in Moscow, they will be arrested immediately!" A few months later when the pinoy president was in Moscow being toured by the ambassador around Moscow, they saw a guy pissing in Red Square. The upset ambassador rushed to the man, intent on having him thrown in prison but then came back to the car shaking his head. "So, why didn't you have him arrested?" the Philippine president asked. And the Russian ambassador answered, "I can't, diplomatic immunity. That was the Philippine ambassador."

Here are my most daring and memorable pissing episodes around the world.

Bonn town center
I was based in the former German capital for a while. Coming from my usual weekend jaunts, I arrived at the town center quite late at night. I really needed to go but the only public toilet nearby was closed, and panic started to set in! As I turned away I saw a black guy peeing in the bushes. He sort of gave me an all-clear so I joined him. Probably sensing my discomfiture, he gave a slow shrug, as if to say "chill, it's alright."
I said "We could get caught you know," trying to dispel images of SS and Gestapo storm troopers arresting us. I tried not to think what the penalty is for urinating on one of the most charming town centers anywhere. I could even see Beethoven's statue, scowling at us. Then the black guy delivers the line in a rich baritone that is forever etched in my brain, "What can you do, you wanna die with it?"

Budapest Citadel
Winter. Five degrees below zero. Wind chill factor makes it feel much colder than that. And the drinks I've had during lunch an hour before now safely nestled in my bladder, waiting to bust out. Just my luck that the only public toilet in this huge castle complex is closed. I quickly realized that I needed to be creative as the city is a long way downhill, aside from the fact that I just climbed up.
I chose a fairly deserted section of the ramparts, then scanned the area for video cameras or guards. After all, it was just a few years ago that this was a communist country. They'll probably arrest you and throw the key away, if they don't execute you immediately that is. My next challenge was how to unzip without looking like it. It had to be with one hand as I was handling an SLR camera with the other. More difficult than you think if you're in full-winter, multilayer, clothing. Finally, I managed to start relieving myself - while pretending to be taking pictures - and just then realized how magnificent the view was of the river dividing the twin towns of Buda and Pest. Pardon me, but I'll never have yellow-colored snow cones, ever.

Vienna
I was on my way home from a drinking session with a local named Franz, when he suddenly pulled over and parked his car near a sausage stand. He bought a couple of sandwiches and surprised me by handing me his wurst. Then surprised me even more with, at the time, a decidedly unusual sight for me. Here's something I thought I'd never see - a white guy pissing against a wall along the streets of one of the most beautiful cities in the world.
Was it because he had a pinay wife? Or do the Viennese piss in their streets like we do? Philosophical questions like that quickly get forgotten when you need to go badly too (the red wine finally filtering down). And there I was, tandem pissing with a local with the grandeur of the former Austro-Hungarian empire as background.

Dalton Pass
Talk about spectacular pissing sites in the Philippines, Dalton Pass might be it. We were on our way to Banaue and have been on the road for hours. I've been told about how buses skim the ravines for a heart-dropping but spectacular experience for those with window seats. We decided to stop so that the kids could feel what it was like to touch the clouds. As soon as we got out of the car, the cold wind hit, and signaled my bladder to act up. And there I was, pissing into the ravine, the kids running around, and the wife making a photographic record of it all.

Others
Some other memorable pisses (mainly because of the views) include the drop-off point on the trek to Mt. Pinatubo, on the way to Taal volcano crater, and that stop midway from Delhi to Jaipur. The latter was in a truck stop where my private driver treated me to a mint tea. I politely took a few sips and excused myself to take a leak in the ravine at the back, which to my surprise and delight, was simply spectacular.

Where would I want to take a leak (but haven't yet)?
1. From the top of a skyscraper in New York
2. In one of hidden ramparts of the Great Wall of China (I have already scratched my name in a section of the Badaling portion)
3. Against the base of one of the Egyptian pyramids
4. On the Ponte Vecchio into the river Arno

How do you define "irony?" A urine-splattered "Bawal umihi dito" sign, how else?

Baguio Off the Beaten Track

Sometimes it's nice to have familiar places to come back to when going on a road trip. For Baguio the usual itinerary looks something like this: boating at Burnham Park, horse back riding at Wright Park, buy trinkets at Mines View Park, picture-picture at Mansion House and Botanical Gardens, climb the Lourdes Grotto (while trying to count the number of steps and invariably getting it wrong), Good Shepherd for strawberry jam, shopping at Mile-Hi in Camp John Hay, and Session Road for some ukay-ukay. If you're tired of all these why not visit Baguio's lesser known (but interesting nonetheless) spots. I'm a sucker for artist's spaces, so most of the finds here veer to that sort of thing. Baguio after all, has the highest concentration of artists in the country.

Tam-awan Village
I asked my aunt, who lived in Baguio most of her life (and certainly the past few decades), how to get there and she hasn't even heard of this place! The huts are authentic Ifugao, trucked in from somewhere authentic I was told. This is a business establishment so they have added some touristy touches like regular tribal dancing exhibitions. It was a treat seeing national artist BenCab do the dancing bit.
A unique (though modern) art form was what one of the artists called "solar painting." At first I thought it was some photochemical reaction using indigenous plants, but somewhat disappointingly, it was wood etching using - get this - a magnifying glass. The wood gives off a nice scent during the etching process. We were amused watching this dancer in tribal costume trying his hand at the solar painting complete with Rayban sunglasses.

Pinsao Proper.


VOCAS (Victor Oteyza Community Art Space)
Right in the heart of downtown is an artist's refuge like no other in the country. I've seen quite a few of these abroad and hopefully more patrons sponsor these things here. The rooftop of one of the buildings was covered with plastic roofing, creating a huge space. A wonderful assortment of art objects were whimsically scattered throughout the place.

VOCAS incorporates a vegetarian bistro called Oh My Gulay! So, the tables and chairs were not just for show. From the name of the restaurant, you just know that the owners brainstormed quite a bit to come up with quirky, humorous names for the dishes. Pasta primadonna (their version of pasta primavera), Anak ng putanesca, Caesar asar. Don't miss the talong parmigiana.

VOCAS is at the top floor of La Azotea Building, Session Rd, across Porta Varga


Bell Church
A nice place similar to the Taoist temple in Cebu. Makes for a unique experience especially if you're of a different religious persuasion. Go through the tourist bit: light some joss sticks, drop those kidney-shaped wooden fortune tellers and see what the future holds for you, then have the nice old man translate the printed stuff about your future. Donations welcome too.
Unless you're very fit, climbing all the way to the top of the temple can take some doing, and will take care of your weekly exercise quota.


Maryknoll Sanctuary
Nice gardens. Consistent with the slightly liberal Maryknoll mindset, there are artifacts scattered throughout the gardens that represent various religions from around the world. There's also a place set aside for an art gallery with rotating exhibits.

Camp Sioco Road, along Marcos highway, just outside city borders.


Asin Hot springs
Like Pansol in Laguna, a number of small resorts have sprung up here to take advantage of the natural hot springs. We only got as far as Palm Grove because of the bad roads beyond it (locals refer to it as Abortion Road, as in you're likely to have a fetus knocked out of you when you're pregnant). The resort itself is like any middle class facility all over the country. But the surrounding mountains will keep reminding you that you're high up in the mountains. The pools are not hot (not cold either) and you have to pay extra to get into the bath houses.

Along the way are dozens of woodcarving shops. If you're into local handicrafts, might as well get yours here. The prices are one-third to one-fourth those in the tourist shops in the city. The woodcarvers are said to come from Ifugao but some of the designs are admittedly modern and sometimes downright foreign and pornographic. It took some doing to get an original design bulol (rice god). Everybody claimed that somebody bought their entire stock the day before. As the next picture shows, the carvings are not your father's barrel man!


Faith-healers
For a really unique experience, why not have a nagging ache (or cancer, for that matter) treated by Baguio's faith/fake-healers. These snake-oil salesmen have really hit it big. One even parlayed his earnings into a political career and got himself elected mayor. They even have a guild of some sort (to screen out the "fake" fake ones!). You're a tourist so it's acceptable to be suckered into this. Just ask around, there's even one in the market.


Slaughterhouse turo-turo
There are a dozen or so carinderia-type eateries around the slaughterhouse in Magsaysay Avenue, adjacent to the bus terminal). The meat is therefore as fresh as can be.
They didn't serve us dog meat (claiming it wasn't available, although it was on the menu), possibly because we weren't locals (they said they think it's banned, wink, wink). We ordered Soup No. 5, bulalo, goat half-half (half grilled meat and half kilawen; I love the name!), igado, dinuguan, twice as much rice as we could eat, and soft drinks.
Total price for 5 pax? Less than P300. Balajadia restaurant has two branches and seems to be the most popular. We then had dessert of coffee, cake and pastry at Forest House in Loakan Rd. Total price for 5 coffees and a couple of cakes? About P1,000, or more than three times what we paid for lunch! Talk about an unbalanced budget.


Cemetery of Negativism
Have you been to this corner (or rather hillside) of Camp John Hay? Apparently, one of the previous camp commanders wanted to concentrate on the positive, so he "buried" the world's negativisms, as he refers to them. Sounds more like excuses and regrets to me. There's Letz Studyit, who had a delayed birth and late maturity, and another named Just Kant Shakit, who died of passivity, and Knot a TeemPlaer, who was born a star, lived a meteor and died in flames. Many of the tombs have animal sculptures on top of the tombstones, so this place is popularly called the Pet Cemetery.
Couple this visit with a tour of the Bell House, or CJH Museum.

Bliss Cafe
This vegetarian restaurant is run by a couple who has embraced the Buddhist lifestyle. Not only is the food healthy, but more importantly, downright tasty. And the ambience couldn't be beat: just sitting down and soaking in the place is as relaxing as being in a spa. Art works (including some by Chin-Chin Gutierrez) are scattered throughout, including the toilet.
Eat and have a zen-like experience. Leonard Wood Rd inside Munsayac Inn.

Pinoy Fear Factor Food

The trite saying - "one man's meat is another another man's poison" - was apparently made for these dishes. Everything is relative, of course. Since we're talking about Pinoy foods the fear factor is taken from the point of view of a foreigner (read American). Most Chinese, for whom anything that walks, crawls, flies, or swims is fair game, would find these tame. On top of the list of my must tries is the Cordillera ham called etag - pork marinated in salt. This may be air dried but I've seen it placed in a musty baul. The quality of the baul is important since after a couple of weeks, the etag would be crawling with maggots. The combination of numerous maggots nibbling and secreting enzymes over time would soften the meat, and I expect the pork to be melt-in-the-mouth tender.

Here's a list of Pinoy Fear Factor dishes I've tried so far:

Balut
Balut is the quintessential Pinoy fear factor food. In fact, it was used in the Fear Factor reality show. But really, how bad can it be, eating cooked duck egg? It's not as if you're eating live, creepy crawlies. Ah, yes, by the way, it's not exactly duck egg but partially formed duck embryo. Some avid balut eaters I know draw the line at eating embryos with well-formed beaks and feathers. For a time I lost my taste for the soup portion of the thing when I realized I was slurping amniotic fluid. Yech!


Camaru
Speaking of creepy crawlies, this one is not a car, but a plump, juicy insect known elsewhere as the mole cricket (Gryllotalpa orientalis). The insect is commonly seen burrowed (or floating during the rainy season) in the ricefields of Pampanga. The abdomen and front legs are prominent - something you would learn rather quickly when you eat it. It is usually served sauteed in garlic, onion and tomatoes. Quite tasty, actually, until you start to discern the body parts and get a quick lesson in insect anatomy. I understand it's becoming more and more difficult to get and during a Pampanga food trip, a serving of camaru cost us twice as much as a meat dish.


Buro
Burong isda (fermented fish) for me is plain nasty. It's spoiled fish, period. Talk about an acquired taste, this has got to top things. Another man's poison? This is it for me.

Bagoong
Pinoy caviar! Well not really. This is fermented salted shrimp (or fish) whose by-product is a clear liquid called patis. Both bagoong and patis are used extensively for Southeast Asian cooking. There are probably as many versions as there are main regions in the country. But generally there are the shrimp and the fish varieties. Newer versions are more civilized and are usually sauteed, with sugar and spices added for variety.
Fear factor? An american classmate tried this after some prodding and promptly spat it out.

Betute
Stuffed frog. Decapitated so that it has a large hole to stuff it through with ground meat. Enough said.


Binubudan
Echoes of childhood in an Ilokano household. My mother refers to this as rice wine, which partly describes it. It's basically cooked rice mixed with yeast, and left to ferment for some hours. The rice turns into a wet slop, which you can eat with a spoon. The taste is precisely what you would imagine rice gruel fermented with yeast to be.

Crispy ulo
See the picture of an eaten crispy ulo to fully appreciate how gross this dish is. It's half a pig's head that's deep fried. Complete with hair on the snout, nostril and ear. And teeth unbrushed over a lifetime. The fun part is when the family fights over who gets to eat the eyeball. Not!


Dog meat
Again, a cultural thing. Tastes like beef or pork, just slightly more stringy. Depends on the dog breed I suppose, but most served here is askal, or the local mongrel. It's nice to be drinking with friends, but in many drinking sessions in these parts, man's best friend is the bar chow. Bow wow!

Durian
Smells like hell, tastes like heaven. Personally I don't care very much for the taste, and the texture of ripe fruit is even worse. And the smell! The fruit is banned, as it should be, from public buildings. For the Dabawenyos though, this is heavenly food. As for me, I'll just have the marang please.

Jumping salad
I first heard about this from an Ilokano collegemate, but only got to taste it several years later as I watched my Dad eat this with gusto. No, it's not made of Mexican jumping beans, as you might imagine, but live shrimp - jumping around, obviously - dipped traditionally in vinegar (although soy sauce with calamansi might work too), and popped straight to the mouth. Once you get over the enormity of the deed (and the scratchy sensation of the shrimp fighting to get back up your esophagus), it's actually not bad. You can't get any fresher than something alive, can you?

Pinikpikan
I like chicken soup, and pinikpikan is among the best I've had. Until I found out how they cooked the thing: First get a chicken, then beat it to death. Make it a slow and painful death, specifically, make sure you get blood clots under the skin. While it's still partly alive, burn off the feathers for that exotic flavor. Yummy.
To make it yummier, pinikpikan is flavored with etag (see above), and not much else. The "in" place to have it is Cafe at the Ruins in Baguio.

Soup No. 5
A Pinoy visits Madrid for the first time and of course goes to a bull fight. After the bull fight he eats at a restaurant outside the bull ring. He was served the restaurant's specialty (Spain's version of Soup No. 5), which he liked so much that he had to call the waiter to ask what it was made of. The waiter replies "Bull's testicles senyor." The next day, Pinoy goes back to the restaurant to have some more of the soup. But this time, the testicles looked smaller. He calls the waiter to ask why this was so. And the waiter says "Senyor, sometimes the bull wins."

Chicken parts
And then there are the grilled chicken parts, thrown away a generation or two ago, but now commonly sold as street food. To reduce the gross factor they have been given code names that every street food connoisseur knows. So the chicken head is helmet, intestine is IUD (named after the intrauterine device that looks like it), the feet are Adidas (named obviously by a non-Nike fan), and Rambo (congealed blood).

So, what is your favorite Pinoy Fear Factor food?