Beauty for sale

Bawal Omehi D2

I'm sure you have your favorite permutation of the spelling of "umihi" painted on some wall around the city. Umihe, umehi, omihe, omihi, etc, the list goes on. This is often followed by the threat of a fine (P150 is the highest I've seen it go), and occasionally by - this really makes my day- the authoritative "By Management."

Is it the Pinoy's penchant for pissing in the most convenient places? This reminds me of this joke: The Russian ambassador was traveling with the Philippine president around Manila when they saw a Pinoy pissing against the wall in Intramuros. The Russian goes "Oh, that's not going to happen in Moscow, they will be arrested immediately!" A few months later when the pinoy president was in Moscow being toured by the ambassador around Moscow, they saw a guy pissing in Red Square. The upset ambassador rushed to the man, intent on having him thrown in prison but then came back to the car shaking his head. "So, why didn't you have him arrested?" the Philippine president asked. And the Russian ambassador answered, "I can't, diplomatic immunity. That was the Philippine ambassador."

Here are my most daring and memorable pissing episodes around the world.

Bonn town center
I was based in the former German capital for a while. Coming from my usual weekend jaunts, I arrived at the town center quite late at night. I really needed to go but the only public toilet nearby was closed, and panic started to set in! As I turned away I saw a black guy peeing in the bushes. He sort of gave me an all-clear so I joined him. Probably sensing my discomfiture, he gave a slow shrug, as if to say "chill, it's alright."
I said "We could get caught you know," trying to dispel images of SS and Gestapo storm troopers arresting us. I tried not to think what the penalty is for urinating on one of the most charming town centers anywhere. I could even see Beethoven's statue, scowling at us. Then the black guy delivers the line in a rich baritone that is forever etched in my brain, "What can you do, you wanna die with it?"

Budapest Citadel
Winter. Five degrees below zero. Wind chill factor makes it feel much colder than that. And the drinks I've had during lunch an hour before now safely nestled in my bladder, waiting to bust out. Just my luck that the only public toilet in this huge castle complex is closed. I quickly realized that I needed to be creative as the city is a long way downhill, aside from the fact that I just climbed up.
I chose a fairly deserted section of the ramparts, then scanned the area for video cameras or guards. After all, it was just a few years ago that this was a communist country. They'll probably arrest you and throw the key away, if they don't execute you immediately that is. My next challenge was how to unzip without looking like it. It had to be with one hand as I was handling an SLR camera with the other. More difficult than you think if you're in full-winter, multilayer, clothing. Finally, I managed to start relieving myself - while pretending to be taking pictures - and just then realized how magnificent the view was of the river dividing the twin towns of Buda and Pest. Pardon me, but I'll never have yellow-colored snow cones, ever.

Vienna
I was on my way home from a drinking session with a local named Franz, when he suddenly pulled over and parked his car near a sausage stand. He bought a couple of sandwiches and surprised me by handing me his wurst. Then surprised me even more with, at the time, a decidedly unusual sight for me. Here's something I thought I'd never see - a white guy pissing against a wall along the streets of one of the most beautiful cities in the world.
Was it because he had a pinay wife? Or do the Viennese piss in their streets like we do? Philosophical questions like that quickly get forgotten when you need to go badly too (the red wine finally filtering down). And there I was, tandem pissing with a local with the grandeur of the former Austro-Hungarian empire as background.

Dalton Pass
Talk about spectacular pissing sites in the Philippines, Dalton Pass might be it. We were on our way to Banaue and have been on the road for hours. I've been told about how buses skim the ravines for a heart-dropping but spectacular experience for those with window seats. We decided to stop so that the kids could feel what it was like to touch the clouds. As soon as we got out of the car, the cold wind hit, and signaled my bladder to act up. And there I was, pissing into the ravine, the kids running around, and the wife making a photographic record of it all.

Others
Some other memorable pisses (mainly because of the views) include the drop-off point on the trek to Mt. Pinatubo, on the way to Taal volcano crater, and that stop midway from Delhi to Jaipur. The latter was in a truck stop where my private driver treated me to a mint tea. I politely took a few sips and excused myself to take a leak in the ravine at the back, which to my surprise and delight, was simply spectacular.

Where would I want to take a leak (but haven't yet)?
1. From the top of a skyscraper in New York
2. In one of hidden ramparts of the Great Wall of China (I have already scratched my name in a section of the Badaling portion)
3. Against the base of one of the Egyptian pyramids
4. On the Ponte Vecchio into the river Arno

How do you define "irony?" A urine-splattered "Bawal umihi dito" sign, how else?

Baguio Off the Beaten Track

Sometimes it's nice to have familiar places to come back to when going on a road trip. For Baguio the usual itinerary looks something like this: boating at Burnham Park, horse back riding at Wright Park, buy trinkets at Mines View Park, picture-picture at Mansion House and Botanical Gardens, climb the Lourdes Grotto (while trying to count the number of steps and invariably getting it wrong), Good Shepherd for strawberry jam, shopping at Mile-Hi in Camp John Hay, and Session Road for some ukay-ukay. If you're tired of all these why not visit Baguio's lesser known (but interesting nonetheless) spots. I'm a sucker for artist's spaces, so most of the finds here veer to that sort of thing. Baguio after all, has the highest concentration of artists in the country.

Tam-awan Village
I asked my aunt, who lived in Baguio most of her life (and certainly the past few decades), how to get there and she hasn't even heard of this place! The huts are authentic Ifugao, trucked in from somewhere authentic I was told. This is a business establishment so they have added some touristy touches like regular tribal dancing exhibitions. It was a treat seeing national artist BenCab do the dancing bit.
A unique (though modern) art form was what one of the artists called "solar painting." At first I thought it was some photochemical reaction using indigenous plants, but somewhat disappointingly, it was wood etching using - get this - a magnifying glass. The wood gives off a nice scent during the etching process. We were amused watching this dancer in tribal costume trying his hand at the solar painting complete with Rayban sunglasses.

Pinsao Proper.


VOCAS (Victor Oteyza Community Art Space)
Right in the heart of downtown is an artist's refuge like no other in the country. I've seen quite a few of these abroad and hopefully more patrons sponsor these things here. The rooftop of one of the buildings was covered with plastic roofing, creating a huge space. A wonderful assortment of art objects were whimsically scattered throughout the place.

VOCAS incorporates a vegetarian bistro called Oh My Gulay! So, the tables and chairs were not just for show. From the name of the restaurant, you just know that the owners brainstormed quite a bit to come up with quirky, humorous names for the dishes. Pasta primadonna (their version of pasta primavera), Anak ng putanesca, Caesar asar. Don't miss the talong parmigiana.

VOCAS is at the top floor of La Azotea Building, Session Rd, across Porta Varga


Bell Church
A nice place similar to the Taoist temple in Cebu. Makes for a unique experience especially if you're of a different religious persuasion. Go through the tourist bit: light some joss sticks, drop those kidney-shaped wooden fortune tellers and see what the future holds for you, then have the nice old man translate the printed stuff about your future. Donations welcome too.
Unless you're very fit, climbing all the way to the top of the temple can take some doing, and will take care of your weekly exercise quota.


Maryknoll Sanctuary
Nice gardens. Consistent with the slightly liberal Maryknoll mindset, there are artifacts scattered throughout the gardens that represent various religions from around the world. There's also a place set aside for an art gallery with rotating exhibits.

Camp Sioco Road, along Marcos highway, just outside city borders.


Asin Hot springs
Like Pansol in Laguna, a number of small resorts have sprung up here to take advantage of the natural hot springs. We only got as far as Palm Grove because of the bad roads beyond it (locals refer to it as Abortion Road, as in you're likely to have a fetus knocked out of you when you're pregnant). The resort itself is like any middle class facility all over the country. But the surrounding mountains will keep reminding you that you're high up in the mountains. The pools are not hot (not cold either) and you have to pay extra to get into the bath houses.

Along the way are dozens of woodcarving shops. If you're into local handicrafts, might as well get yours here. The prices are one-third to one-fourth those in the tourist shops in the city. The woodcarvers are said to come from Ifugao but some of the designs are admittedly modern and sometimes downright foreign and pornographic. It took some doing to get an original design bulol (rice god). Everybody claimed that somebody bought their entire stock the day before. As the next picture shows, the carvings are not your father's barrel man!


Faith-healers
For a really unique experience, why not have a nagging ache (or cancer, for that matter) treated by Baguio's faith/fake-healers. These snake-oil salesmen have really hit it big. One even parlayed his earnings into a political career and got himself elected mayor. They even have a guild of some sort (to screen out the "fake" fake ones!). You're a tourist so it's acceptable to be suckered into this. Just ask around, there's even one in the market.


Slaughterhouse turo-turo
There are a dozen or so carinderia-type eateries around the slaughterhouse in Magsaysay Avenue, adjacent to the bus terminal). The meat is therefore as fresh as can be.
They didn't serve us dog meat (claiming it wasn't available, although it was on the menu), possibly because we weren't locals (they said they think it's banned, wink, wink). We ordered Soup No. 5, bulalo, goat half-half (half grilled meat and half kilawen; I love the name!), igado, dinuguan, twice as much rice as we could eat, and soft drinks.
Total price for 5 pax? Less than P300. Balajadia restaurant has two branches and seems to be the most popular. We then had dessert of coffee, cake and pastry at Forest House in Loakan Rd. Total price for 5 coffees and a couple of cakes? About P1,000, or more than three times what we paid for lunch! Talk about an unbalanced budget.


Cemetery of Negativism
Have you been to this corner (or rather hillside) of Camp John Hay? Apparently, one of the previous camp commanders wanted to concentrate on the positive, so he "buried" the world's negativisms, as he refers to them. Sounds more like excuses and regrets to me. There's Letz Studyit, who had a delayed birth and late maturity, and another named Just Kant Shakit, who died of passivity, and Knot a TeemPlaer, who was born a star, lived a meteor and died in flames. Many of the tombs have animal sculptures on top of the tombstones, so this place is popularly called the Pet Cemetery.
Couple this visit with a tour of the Bell House, or CJH Museum.

Bliss Cafe
This vegetarian restaurant is run by a couple who has embraced the Buddhist lifestyle. Not only is the food healthy, but more importantly, downright tasty. And the ambience couldn't be beat: just sitting down and soaking in the place is as relaxing as being in a spa. Art works (including some by Chin-Chin Gutierrez) are scattered throughout, including the toilet.
Eat and have a zen-like experience. Leonard Wood Rd inside Munsayac Inn.

Pinoy Fear Factor Food

The trite saying - "one man's meat is another another man's poison" - was apparently made for these dishes. Everything is relative, of course. Since we're talking about Pinoy foods the fear factor is taken from the point of view of a foreigner (read American). Most Chinese, for whom anything that walks, crawls, flies, or swims is fair game, would find these tame. On top of the list of my must tries is the Cordillera ham called etag - pork marinated in salt. This may be air dried but I've seen it placed in a musty baul. The quality of the baul is important since after a couple of weeks, the etag would be crawling with maggots. The combination of numerous maggots nibbling and secreting enzymes over time would soften the meat, and I expect the pork to be melt-in-the-mouth tender.

Here's a list of Pinoy Fear Factor dishes I've tried so far:

Balut
Balut is the quintessential Pinoy fear factor food. In fact, it was used in the Fear Factor reality show. But really, how bad can it be, eating cooked duck egg? It's not as if you're eating live, creepy crawlies. Ah, yes, by the way, it's not exactly duck egg but partially formed duck embryo. Some avid balut eaters I know draw the line at eating embryos with well-formed beaks and feathers. For a time I lost my taste for the soup portion of the thing when I realized I was slurping amniotic fluid. Yech!


Camaru
Speaking of creepy crawlies, this one is not a car, but a plump, juicy insect known elsewhere as the mole cricket (Gryllotalpa orientalis). The insect is commonly seen burrowed (or floating during the rainy season) in the ricefields of Pampanga. The abdomen and front legs are prominent - something you would learn rather quickly when you eat it. It is usually served sauteed in garlic, onion and tomatoes. Quite tasty, actually, until you start to discern the body parts and get a quick lesson in insect anatomy. I understand it's becoming more and more difficult to get and during a Pampanga food trip, a serving of camaru cost us twice as much as a meat dish.


Buro
Burong isda (fermented fish) for me is plain nasty. It's spoiled fish, period. Talk about an acquired taste, this has got to top things. Another man's poison? This is it for me.

Bagoong
Pinoy caviar! Well not really. This is fermented salted shrimp (or fish) whose by-product is a clear liquid called patis. Both bagoong and patis are used extensively for Southeast Asian cooking. There are probably as many versions as there are main regions in the country. But generally there are the shrimp and the fish varieties. Newer versions are more civilized and are usually sauteed, with sugar and spices added for variety.
Fear factor? An american classmate tried this after some prodding and promptly spat it out.

Betute
Stuffed frog. Decapitated so that it has a large hole to stuff it through with ground meat. Enough said.


Binubudan
Echoes of childhood in an Ilokano household. My mother refers to this as rice wine, which partly describes it. It's basically cooked rice mixed with yeast, and left to ferment for some hours. The rice turns into a wet slop, which you can eat with a spoon. The taste is precisely what you would imagine rice gruel fermented with yeast to be.

Crispy ulo
See the picture of an eaten crispy ulo to fully appreciate how gross this dish is. It's half a pig's head that's deep fried. Complete with hair on the snout, nostril and ear. And teeth unbrushed over a lifetime. The fun part is when the family fights over who gets to eat the eyeball. Not!


Dog meat
Again, a cultural thing. Tastes like beef or pork, just slightly more stringy. Depends on the dog breed I suppose, but most served here is askal, or the local mongrel. It's nice to be drinking with friends, but in many drinking sessions in these parts, man's best friend is the bar chow. Bow wow!

Durian
Smells like hell, tastes like heaven. Personally I don't care very much for the taste, and the texture of ripe fruit is even worse. And the smell! The fruit is banned, as it should be, from public buildings. For the Dabawenyos though, this is heavenly food. As for me, I'll just have the marang please.

Jumping salad
I first heard about this from an Ilokano collegemate, but only got to taste it several years later as I watched my Dad eat this with gusto. No, it's not made of Mexican jumping beans, as you might imagine, but live shrimp - jumping around, obviously - dipped traditionally in vinegar (although soy sauce with calamansi might work too), and popped straight to the mouth. Once you get over the enormity of the deed (and the scratchy sensation of the shrimp fighting to get back up your esophagus), it's actually not bad. You can't get any fresher than something alive, can you?

Pinikpikan
I like chicken soup, and pinikpikan is among the best I've had. Until I found out how they cooked the thing: First get a chicken, then beat it to death. Make it a slow and painful death, specifically, make sure you get blood clots under the skin. While it's still partly alive, burn off the feathers for that exotic flavor. Yummy.
To make it yummier, pinikpikan is flavored with etag (see above), and not much else. The "in" place to have it is Cafe at the Ruins in Baguio.

Soup No. 5
A Pinoy visits Madrid for the first time and of course goes to a bull fight. After the bull fight he eats at a restaurant outside the bull ring. He was served the restaurant's specialty (Spain's version of Soup No. 5), which he liked so much that he had to call the waiter to ask what it was made of. The waiter replies "Bull's testicles senyor." The next day, Pinoy goes back to the restaurant to have some more of the soup. But this time, the testicles looked smaller. He calls the waiter to ask why this was so. And the waiter says "Senyor, sometimes the bull wins."

Chicken parts
And then there are the grilled chicken parts, thrown away a generation or two ago, but now commonly sold as street food. To reduce the gross factor they have been given code names that every street food connoisseur knows. So the chicken head is helmet, intestine is IUD (named after the intrauterine device that looks like it), the feet are Adidas (named obviously by a non-Nike fan), and Rambo (congealed blood).

So, what is your favorite Pinoy Fear Factor food?

CDO - White water rafting in the "River of Gold"

I got a little confused when I heard about the white water rafting adventures in Cagayan de Oro. CDO? 'Di ba sa Cagayan Norte iyong rafting? Until I found out that cagayan meant river, and that sort of explained things.

The CDO WRA (Whitewater Rafting Adventures, with their yellow rafts) have been at it since 1995 and therefore claim the longest experience. The flesh-colored rafts belong to a sister company, while the red rafts belong to the newest enterprise.


Before we went on the rafts an orientation for everybody was required (there were almost 50 of us). We were taught: how to paddle; what to do when you fall overboard; that right side is Bukidnon and left side is Cagayan de Oro always, regardless of your direction; yada yada yada. Everybody treated the orientation the way one treats flight attendants demonstrating how to survive an aircrash (what's the point, we'll be dead anyway!). The guides tried to make the orientation more interesting by punctuating it with communal whoops. This was something called a "high-five" where you raise your oar with one hand and shout "Wooo-wooo" dog pound style. Then off we go, 5 or 6 to a raft. Our guide was a cool fellow impossibly nicknamed Tweet-Tweet, and he made sure we had a good time.

After the first rapids, the entire family had a wide grin on their faces, and we celebrated by raising our oars and screaming "Tweet Tweet" for our high-fives. The Pagsanjan "shooting the rapids" thingy had nothing on this. Boatmen in Pagsanjan literally dragging the banca upstream was a huge disappointment for me, and paled in comparison. The CDO rafting on the other hand requires you to pull your own weight with your own oar. There were some areas where you needed to row with all your might while the guide steers the raft to catch the next set of rapids, or to prevent it from slamming against the rock faces. Which is not such a bad thing, as long as you don't scrape your face against some scraggy rocks or tree branches.

Some of the rapids had names like "Washing Machine" where you paddle so that the raft spins around. I asked the guide if the rapids got its name because of the people washing their clothes along the riverbanks. The expression on his face told me that he probably has heard that joke hundreds of times just this past month. Interestingly, a number of the rapids were named after the celebrities who fell there. There were rapids named after an infamous actress-TV host, a not so famous DJ, a young trying hard actor, and one whose name I have never heard of before or since. So celebrities beware! Don't fall into the river because not only will the guides tell every single client about it afterwards, but they'll also name an area of the river after you for posterity. At certain parts of the river, the guides allow or encourage you to jump overboard and swim/float downstream. I quickly took the opportunity to pee.


Lunch was served in the midpoint and prepared by the guides. Everything was poured on banana leaves (boodle fight style), which I'm sure was a unique treat for the Caucasian tourists in the group. Plates made of banana tree trunks were available for the asking. The pork belly was freshly grilled (we had to wait a while) and tasted fantastic. This was well matched with boiled large shrimps, crabs, and rice (steamed in packs made of bamboo leaves). The food was great picnic/adventure stuff. Well worth the additional P200. I think the cost of just the shrimps and crabs I ate was over P200 when sold at MetroManila markets. Dessert was fresh, sweet and juicy pineapple. Remember, the Del Monte plantation is in the general vicinity, so this was pineapple country. As usual, I ate too much, and quickly regretted this when I realized we still had over an hour of rowing and swimming to do.

After lunch, we continued with the other half of the river ride. I was worried that the river gradient was leveling off, meaning no more steep drops and churning water. But there were still a couple of rocky areas waiting before the adventure ended. There was an area that looked like a dead-end but as you draw nearer, the river suddenly turned sharply to the left. The boats stopped here a while to allow the rafters to examine the snakes on the rock faces. We continued on when the snakes started freaking out the wife and kids.

After more than three hours of rowing, we were tired and glad to be told that there was just one more set of rapids. Finally! We survived the white water rafting adventure! And then it happened. The boat was moving slowly - sideways - and its bottom caught a rock. The sudden deceleration caught me by surpise and although it seemed like it was happening in slow motion I just knew that I was falling into the river and couldn't do anything about it. I quickly grabbed a line and hang on for dear life as we were in the middle of the rapids. The strength of the current was unexpected. I couldn't believe that I actually needed to apply the things taught earlier in the morning orientation! Don't attempt to stand up, float face up, point feet downstream, wait for help. I promptly lost a slipper. The guide managed to pull me up back to the raft and we continued on. After being thankful for not holding the camera at that time, I realized that losing a slipper was going to be a bummer; how do I walk around in the rocky banks?; what is security going to say when I enter the hotel barefoot? That became moot however when my son spotted my slipper floating among some branches. My only consolation (aside from not soaking the camera) was that the raft before us capsized completely! Ha!


And now for the finale! After surviving the river ride, "graduation ceremonies" consisted of jumping from a large rock, almost 15 feet high - equivalent to jumping from the second storey of a building. Big deal you say but for somebody with fear of heights, the rock was sickeningly high enough. The shock upon hitting the water popped my watch strap open. Good thing the watch didn't fly off as that would have been kissing it goodbye. After passing some gentle rapids, the adventure ended at a landing where our jeepneys were waiting for the 45-minute ride back to the city.


Rafting Tips
You can arrange the rafting trip through the hotel concierge like we did, or call the companies directly. Just go downtown and people would know where to point you. We paid P900/head (including lunch). I don't know if that is the standard rate but I think it's reasonable considering the input costs.
You are going to get soaked, either from the splashing rapids, or from swimming, or jumping from "Graduation Rock." Dress accordingly. Bring extra dry clothes and towels. A dry bag will be provided for your valuables. There are showers at the final landing but taps were dry when we went.
Bring waterproof cameras, or better, waterproof video cameras. The river adventure was very scenic but my digital SLR spent almost the entire time in the dry bag. I took out the digital point-and-shoot occasionally to take stills and videos but had to hide it during critical times. So the best parts of the trip were unfortunately not photographed.

What else is there to do in CDO? Depending on your interests, there may be a few more spots worth visiting, but not on the same scale as the rafting.

Bulua Pottery
Bulua is a district where pottery has become some sort of cottage industry. There are the usual ordinary clay pots and vases being sold along the highway. More interesting are two pottery factories about 2 km from the highway: Stoneware Pottery and, 500 meters away, Keramos Pottery, both set up by Germans. Keramos is run by a couple Dietrich Kleinschmidt and pinay wife Marycris. The clay they use comes from Ilo-ilo and Germany. The items in either store were not exactly cheap and we rapidly rang up several thousand pesos worth of ceramics.
(From the highway, tell your driver to drive towards the sea, Zone 8, watch out for small signs. Keramos tel 0919-8694597 http://keramos.elizaga.net. Stoneware pottery tel 08822-735603 http://www.stonewarepottery.com).

Malasag Ecotourism Park

If you surf the websites the park seems like THE prime CDO destination, so prepare to be a bit disappointed. Management obviously tries hard to keep the park clean but you can't help the feeling that the glory days were gone. This place has potential but needs a lot of investment I suppose. The aviary has a few birds, and I swear one greeted me with "Sir!" Just go so that you can say "been there, done that." As the sign on the right says, I'm certainly bringing something (a CDO T-shirt with cool design from the souvenir shop), but not fantastic memories : ).

Macahambus Adventure Park
We stopped here on the way to the river rafting adventure, ostensibly to wait for the others, but partly I suspect to drum up business as a sort of tieup. The canopy walk is here, but the problem is the place is so small, you don't really get that forest feel. Don't let the tourism photos fool you. The hanging bridge is just a stone's throw away from the highway - you can hear the vehicles passing. You then take the zip line back to the starting point. P300 for the experience? We passed, but you might want to try it if you haven't experienced a zip line before.
There are also some caves within the park. But we're not into spelunking and passed again. If you can spare the time, try the horse back riding trips; might be worth it if you're the outdoorsy type.



Plaza Divisoria
Outdoor dining, live bands, and tiangge during Friday and Saturday evenings. Very popular with the locals. Not so sure if you'll find it worthwhile.


How to get there
Flying is the best alternative for getting to CDO.


Where to stay
Mallberry Hotel is the new business hotel. Smallish, but nice rooms. It is beside the Robinson's Mall (thus the name) and Limketkai Center (another shopping mall). There is also a small strip mall with nice restaurants and coffee shops.
Pryce Plaza is bannered as the premier hotel, but it is old and out of the way.


What to eat
Seafood was fresh and cheap. At Kagayanon restaurant near Limketkai, inihaw na panga ng tuna (grilled tuna jaw) set us back only about P300 or so for a huge order (what the fish would have cost uncooked at a Manila market). Try ostrich meat cooked whichever way you want it (there's an ostrich farm near CDO).
You can buy Camiguin pastel here at Robinson's supermarket. Ironically, the pastel here had a later expiration date than the ones in Camiguin (although it was about P5/dozen more expensive).