Is it the Pinoy's penchant for pissing in the most convenient places? This reminds me of this joke: The Russian ambassador was traveling with the Philippine president around Manila when they saw a Pinoy pissing against the wall in Intramuros. The Russian goes "Oh, that's not going to happen in Moscow, they will be arrested immediately!" A few months later when the pinoy president was in Moscow being toured by the ambassador around Moscow, they saw a guy pissing in Red Square. The upset ambassador rushed to the man, intent on having him thrown in prison but then came back to the car shaking his head. "So, why didn't you have him arrested?" the Philippine president asked. And the Russian ambassador answered, "I can't, diplomatic immunity. That was the Philippine ambassador."
Here are my most daring and memorable pissing episodes around the world.
Bonn town center
I was based in the former German capital for a while. Coming from my usual weekend jaunts, I arrived at the town center quite late at night. I really needed to go but the only public toilet nearby was closed, and panic started to set in! As I turned away I saw a black guy peeing in the bushes. He sort of gave me an all-clear so I joined him. Probably sensing my discomfiture, he gave a slow shrug, as if to say "chill, it's alright."
I said "We could get caught you know," trying to dispel images of SS and Gestapo storm troopers arresting us. I tried not to think what the penalty is for urinating on one of the most charming town centers anywhere. I could even see Beethoven's statue, scowling at us. Then the black guy delivers the line in a rich baritone that is forever etched in my brain, "What can you do, you wanna die with it?"
Budapest Citadel
Winter. Five degrees below zero. Wind chill factor makes it feel much colder than that. And the drinks I've had during lunch an hour before now safely nestled in my bladder, waiting to bust out. Just my luck that the only public toilet in this huge castle complex is closed. I quickly realized that I needed to be creative as the city is a long way downhill, aside from the fact that I just climbed up.
I chose a fairly deserted section of the ramparts, then scanned the area for video cameras or guards. After all, it was just a few years ago that this was a communist country. They'll probably arrest you and throw the key away, if they don't execute you immediately that is. My next challenge was how to unzip without looking like it. It had to be with one hand as I was handling an SLR camera with the other. More difficult than you think if you're in full-winter, multilayer, clothing. Finally, I managed to start relieving myself - while pretending to be taking pictures - and just then realized how magnificent the view was of the river dividing the twin towns of Buda and Pest. Pardon me, but I'll never have yellow-colored snow cones, ever.
Vienna
I was on my way home from a drinking session with a local named Franz, when he suddenly pulled over and parked his car near a sausage stand. He bought a couple of sandwiches and surprised me by handing me his wurst. Then surprised me even more with, at the time, a decidedly unusual sight for me. Here's something I thought I'd never see - a white guy pissing against a wall along the streets of one of the most beautiful cities in the world.
Was it because he had a pinay wife? Or do the Viennese piss in their streets like we do? Philosophical questions like that quickly get forgotten when you need to go badly too (the red wine finally filtering down). And there I was, tandem pissing with a local with the grandeur of the former Austro-Hungarian empire as background.
Dalton Pass
Talk about spectacular pissing sites in the Philippines, Dalton Pass might be it. We were on our way to Banaue and have been on the road for hours. I've been told about how buses skim the ravines for a heart-dropping but spectacular experience for those with window seats. We decided to stop so that the kids could feel what it was like to touch the clouds. As soon as we got out of the car, the cold wind hit, and signaled my bladder to act up. And there I was, pissing into the ravine, the kids running around, and the wife making a photographic record of it all.
Others
Some other memorable pisses (mainly because of the views) include the drop-off point on the trek to Mt. Pinatubo, on the way to Taal volcano crater, and that stop midway from Delhi to Jaipur. The latter was in a truck stop where my private driver treated me to a mint tea. I politely took a few sips and excused myself to take a leak in the ravine at the back, which to my surprise and delight, was simply spectacular.
Where would I want to take a leak (but haven't yet)?
1. From the top of a skyscraper in New York
2. In one of hidden ramparts of the Great Wall of China (I have already scratched my name in a section of the Badaling portion)
3. Against the base of one of the Egyptian pyramids
4. On the Ponte Vecchio into the river Arno
How do you define "irony?" A urine-splattered "Bawal umihi dito" sign, how else?
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